GOOD ADVICE & AWARENESS

8 Critical Tips for Dealing with Splitting by Your Challenging Child by michael on June 1, 2010

One of the more serious difficulties faced by parents of Challenging Children is triangulation or splitting. Simply stated this is when sweetums sets one parent against the other. Of course this is something that can happen in any family.

You know the drill. “Mom, can I get an ice cream cone?” Mom: “No.” Later to Dad, “Can I get an ice cream cone?” Dad: “Sure. Let’s go get one now.” And Dad to Mom: “Sweetheart, want to come with us to get a cone?” And Mom either to herself or to Dad: “Grrrr. I already told her, no.”

This kind of splitting, bad enough with healthy children, is particularly insidious for Challenging Children. When they split parents, the message they are getting is, “Dad and Mom are weak. I really am in charge here.” This is not good for you or the child. For you it is crazy making. For the child it is plain and simple not healthy. It impedes their healing process because our children require a tightly structured environment in order to heal. They need to know that they have a strong Mom and Dad who will be in charge and take care of them. Only then can they learn to trust and submit to your parental authority.

A classic splitting scenario involves the family where Mom is at home holding the fort and dealing with sweetums. Dad is at work and is unaware of all that Mom is dealing with on a day to day basis. Mom is confronted with one antic or another of their Challenging Child. Dad comes home. Mom is exhausted and wants Dad to take over. And then Dad, unwittingly unaware of how sweetums has been acting out all day, comes in the door and there’s sweetums running up to Dad for a hug. Without even saying hello to exhausted Mom, Dad swoops up sweetums, “Hi, and how’s my girl been today!” Sweetums smiles back sweetly and with all her charm says, “Good, Dad.” Mom, of course, is fuming. And all the while, sweetums is thinking to herself, “Hah! Got ‘em again. I’ll show them who’s really in charge here.”

Whoa. If that sounds even close to what goes on in your home, it must stop. Now. It is time for you to be in charge and let sweetums know that she cannot come between you anymore. Got it?

Okay, Mom and Dad, you need to sit down and get on the same page about how the two of you will handle your dear child. Here are 8 critical tips for you.

Dad, you must understand what is going on at home when you are safely out of the house.

Mom, you have to level with Dad and tell him what is going on when he is not at home.

Dad, you must resolve to believe every word that Mom is telling you.

The two of you must agree that when Dad comes home, the very first thing he is to do is swoop Mom up into a hug and ask her how her day has been.

And then, Dad, ask Mom what you can do to support her. If Mom wants a bubble bath, you make sure she can get it. If Mom wants a massage, you give it to her or send her out for her favorite luxurious massage. Whatever Mom wants, Mom gets.

Then, and only then, Dad, attend to sweetums. Since you have just now arrived at home, Mom will tell you what you need to be doing.

As for other efforts sweetums will make to split you, such as asking one of you for something after the other has already said no, always be suspicious. Whenever sweetums makes a request, check with your spouse before responding.

Never fall for, “But Dad, Mom already said I could.” Or anything like that.

Tell us how your Challenging Child has attempted to split you and your spouse. What have you done about it? Please let us know in the comments section below. If you have any questions about splitting or any other Advanced Parenting topics, please let me know.